DO NOT reply comment or respond

So this is shit!  How do I feel? It’s a tricky one. Yes I feel unwell of course I have just been filled with poison. But it’s more than that. I’m tired, exhausted, frustrated as it’s lovely out there and I’m here lying on the bed not having the energy to do anything.

I feel sick, but is that nausea or just the fact that all the drugs give you constipation and even with all the laxitatives in the world (and boy I have taken everything with no luck) I’m  soooo bunged up. My tummy is bloated and sore. Is that nausea?, who knows.

I’m going to lose my hair. Yes we all know I’m going to and yes I had it all cut short so I get used to it but no one wants to lose their hair and yes everyone is very kind and says how it suits me but you know what, I wouldn’t have cut it short without chemo so no I don’t like it, don’t want to hear how it suits me or how I look like my brothers. I would rather have my pink hair and not be shit scared about going bald. I don’t know how I am going to feel when it comes out but I can’t believe I’m going to be “Wow I look amazing!” so let’s not even discuss it.

Then there’s the hunger, weight gain and all that shit. The drugs give you an appetite, do I really need one of those while lying in bed sedentary doing no excerise. No! And again the whole constipation malarkey doesn’t help. Hungry, feeling sick and uncomfortable. Fuck this is bollocks!

Let’s not forget the hot flushes. I of course thought this was normal for those of us going through breast cancer but NO it’s not. At least 10 flushes a day mostly at night finding yourself dripping, damp sometimes cold then needing to drink which then leads to getting up and having a pee. It’s relentless. What has my life come to. 4 litres of water a day, 20 visits to the loo, two baths a day, endless deodorant, mopping of the brow, sleep, awake for another flush not forgetting popping pills for all sorts of thing.  I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I’m going round and round in circles getting nowhere. And you know what, I can’t see it ending anytime soon. Plus trying to be human not just a lab rat!

Rant over. Enough said till another day.