This was the view i was greeted with at 6.53am this morning.  Fingers crossed it’s a Glorious Day.

 

So here i am at the Wellington Hospital again waiting for what i am hoping is my last operation on my boobs.  Having the implants removed and replaced with better nicer ones.

It is 8.52am and I haven’t had anything to eat since 9 last night.  As nick just said “You’re not good without sugar in the morning!” And by the looks of it it’s going to be a while till my op so even longer till i can eat or drink again……….I pity anyone who pisses me off this morning and some have already done so.  And Nick is sat next to me eating a muffin and drinking the best smelling coffee i have ever smelt.

It’s been a while since i last wrote, life has gone back to normal and always busy doing something, but here i am snow about to embark on 4-6 weeks of recovery and not being allowed to do much.  I am sitting on my hospital bed waiting for the surgeon to come in and have his chat before i go down to theatre.  While i wait i thought i would knock out a quick blog.

My hair is crazy curly and i am finally getting used to it.  Have many products and they do seem to help.

Just seen the surgeon and i am now all scribbled on and ready to go.

See you on the other side. Xx

May 24th 2019

I woke up yesterday with the memory that this time last year I waved Hope off for her last ever day at school before she started her A levels and Noah off to sit his Physics GCSE that afternoon while I prepared myself for my double mastectomy.  It’s been a whole year…..

Wow! What a lot has happened since then and how long ago it now feels.  A distant memory.  ( Thank goodness)  I am feeling great and the sun shines so Thank you God or whoever it is for making every day a Glorious Day for me.

 

April 13th 2019 ( Friday).

It truly is a GLORIOUS DAY today as it was a year ago to the day that i found the lump in my right breast.  Who would have known then what the year had ahead for us all.  Defiantly not me.  This time last year I didn’t know i had cancer and look at me now, No cancer.  Big fat smiley face.

It was a battle that i had to fight, there were a lot of rounds and a few knocks along the way but I caught it and I WON.

I am here to tell the tale and to say that i have now done a journey.  But this journey is the one i mentioned right at the beginning of me writing this blog and here i am ……………….view from our balcony,

In Glorious Antigua enjoying the sunshine, heat, doing nothing and most of all recovering form the hell of last year.  Recharging my batteries, spending time with family, eating and drinking too much and having a lovely time.  Now this is what a journey is, to distant places and not a journey of cancer, that is a battle .  It’s been a long time coming but it’s amazing to be here and feeling so well.

Some of you might be wondering why it has been so long since i last posted anything, well without all the appointment and treatment my life has gone back to doing chores, cooking, laundry, dealing with kid stuff and general day to day matters.  It’s not that i haven’t wanted to write and i have even got a few posts i started that i will add to this one but somehow i never found the time.  Dreadful excuse but somehow it’s true.

The first post i started writing was in February and here it is,

So February is almost ove and i am still feeling really good. Energy levels still up there, mind getting clearer, weight slowly dropping, and last year is becoming a distant memory.   Saying that though, in a weird way  I feel…I don’t know how to explain it without it sounding strange, something is missing. And I’m not talking about my boobies. I got to meet so many new lovely people and a lot of them I saw on numerous occasions,  becoming friends with them and now I don’t see them anymore and there’s a gap. It suddenly occurs to me what I am feeling. It’s like being made resundant/loosing a job. Suddenly I don’t see these lovely people anymore and I miss them.  Battling breast cancer was my job.  I guess I got a bonus when made resundant, I’m cancer free! 

 I have been re reading my blogs and looking back at it it astounds me how busy I was with appointments, what a rollercoaster of emotions and pains I had and how amazing family and friends were getting me through it. It was a crazy busy time that is now over and normality has returned. Thank god for normal.

The other one i started was on the 11th of. March

Memory foam

It is almost 10 months ago that I had my operation. In that time I spent the first 8 weeks only being able to lie on my back to sleep because of the pain from the scars and ports, plus I was told I had to so everything could have time to heal. Then slowly over the weeks I began to roll onto my sides a few degrees at a time. Although at the time it was frustrating and seemed to take forever there was a point that one day I suddenly realised I was sleeping on my side again and it wasn’t painful anymore. This was a triumph. Until you are unable to sleep in the position that you normally do every night you don’t realise what that position is and how comfortable and instinctive it is. 

Now this sounds all fabulous that I could finally sleep on my side and get some proper sleep, so why am I writing about it now.  10 months down the line and I have a new discovery? I had this lasting and life changing problem that I couldn’t ever see that I was going to be able to resolve. My new boobs, yes  I love them in many ways but being implants with no breast tissue to soften them they are like sleeping with two small balloons filled with sand. They are pretty solid, firm things that if you try to sleep on your tummy do not give or move to the side and are uncomfortable. You find yourself almost balancing, teetering on them pressing into your rib cage. In the beginning I was just pleased I could lie on my side but in the last few months realisation that this is it, the situation won’t be getting any better and I would have to get used to the being perched on these babies if I want to lie on my front had hit me hard and it was a depressing thought . When all of a sudden on Wednesday last week as I was awake at 3.30am getting frustrated I had a rare but bloody brilliant thought. “What about a memory foam matteress topper?”  

The following Day I could be found in Ikea face down on a bed checking out their memory foam mattress toppers. I was that crazy lady, yes face down on a bed gently groaning with delight at the realisation that for the first time in 10 months I could lie on my tummy in comfort, blissfully unaware of the solid boobies I have attached to my front. As the memory foam gave way and moulded around my body it gave way to my implants;  un-bloody believable. Whoever came up with this stuff is a genius and should be given a medal. I almost fell asleep, if it hadn’t have been for other people looking at the bed frame I was on I would have been there for hours. 

I didn’t purchase one from ikea there and then as I had no idea what size bed we have but by Saturday morning the one I purchased from John Lewis was ready for collection. It was collected un wrapped but then had to be left for 24 hours to recover from being  vacuum packed to within an inch of its life, as flat as a pancake. Tonight the memory foam topper was added to our mattress and OMG it is heaven. Like Sleeping on a white fluffy cloud of cotton wool. Why didn’t I think of this sooner. I almost didn’t want to fall asleep. I just wanted to wollow in the bliss I was in. Waking in the night now as I do almost every night I won’t care as I just have to think of the comfort I’m in and I smile. I love you memory foam. My new best friend. 

I have just looked it up and I have NASA to thank. Those clever people at  NASA. THANK YOU.

Now back to today 13.4.19, it’s time i stop this blog and go get me some more sunshine and maybe even a rum punch.  I will defiantly be celebrating this day with a glass of something fizzy at dinner time and also to celebrate Phoebe Littlers 18th Birthday today.  Happy Birthday ( The Horse with the Golden Mane) Phoebe. Xx

 

Appointments this year…3

Hair Growth, that’s a funny one,  Yes getting longer but so curly it’s becoming a joke.  The body works in weird and not sure if i can say wonderful yet, ways.  The big question is will it straighten or might i have curly hair maybe even ringlets..Who knows watch this space.  All i can say about it right now is i still DO NOT like it an am finding it difficult to get my head araound!!!  If you mention it to my excuse me if i growl at you, you have been warned…. xx

 

 For now the sun is callling my name, got to go, but i’ll be back soon.

Check those Bumps of yours for those pesky lumps and if you find one go to the Bloody doctor.

One last thing, a MASSIVE Thank you to you all for getting me through the hardest most horrible year ever.  Without you all I couldn’t have done it and one day will repay you all.  I love you. Xxxx

Thursday 31st January.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. 

I know you are thinkning what the hell is she going on about, Happy New Year but this is my first post of the year.  Shameful!

I can’t believe it is almost the end of January. This month really has flown. I hope by he end of this post you’ll see why but for now I want to go back to the end of last year…New years eve was spent with our next door neighbours Trash and Dave and a group of friend. Great evening. At midnight as we all hugged and wished each other a happy new year I spontaneously burst into tears. So not me, I don’t cry, not much makes me cry and here I was standing on their roof terrace watching the fireworks go off over London crying. I was feeling very emotional, when it dawned on me that “it was over, the year was done and a new cancer free year had begun”. The realisation of what a year I had had hit me hard and the relief it was over. Wow! New Year New Me, Bring it on!

So here I am at the end of January and I am feeling Fabulous.  I do get tired and go to bed earlier than I would normally have done but during the day I am back on form doing loads, rushing about and trying to make up for the loss of last year.  Have already done two galleries, been to the theatre, had lunches, met people for coffee and tea and walking everyday on Hampstead Heath like i was before.  Life is good!

The other thing that i have been doing and the thing i love the most is sewing.  That might sound weird to some of you but I love it.  I have been busy making clothes, mostly trousers for myself.  Now I am loosing the chemo wieght, well more like the peanut butter cookies i made and ate for about 3 months solid, I can start sewing for me again.  And I can’t put enough detail into each item.  Piping, coloured top stitching, extra pockets, fun linings, trimmings and lovely buttons is the way i am going.  Fabric shops are like giant candy stores for me and the trimmings section is the icing on the cake.  I feel a new wardrobe is on it’s way.

At the beginning of the month Nick and I watched two of the Netflix programmes called “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. Wow, we got it and did what she says.  If you haven’t heard about this Japanese Lady she is a tidying nutter and shows people how to declutter and tidy their homes.  The first programme began with clothes since then Nick and I have been doing just that to our wardrobes.  Until i have lost all my wieght i am not going to throw anything  away but i feel a big chuck out is coming and my new wardrobe will slot in it’s place.  Wieght Watchers here is come.

I have seen my consultans once this year and she was very happy with my progress.  When she asked me how i was feeling and my reply was “ Better now than before my diagnosis” her reply was “ I have heard that before”.  When thinking about it, i had not one but two different cancers growing in me for up to a year so looking back i understand now why i felt so tired and not myself.  Two friends have even confirmed this fact by telling me i had had conversations with them saying I wasn’t feeling quite myself.  At my age with teenage kids and the menopause you put it down to one or both of these things. Cancer never crossed my mind.  It’s GONE and i feel goooooood!

My parents have been in Mexico on holiday and my Mum gets the prize for the most photos sent with Glorious Day in them. Bravo Mum.xx  Here they are.  And yes they had a fabulous time.

One last thing, not all of you will know this but for the last 17 years I have never drunk in January so bring on tomorrrow.  There is a Gin and tonic out there with my name on.  Happy February.

As always, boys and girls out there check you bumps for lumps.  Only takes a minute but it could save your life.

Love you all….xxxxx

Appointments :- 1.

Hair :- Yes it’s growing and fast.  More grey than before ( not that you can see it in the photo)  but i’m going to embrace it.  One day i might have Marilyn Hair…..I wish.

December 31st.  Last Blog of the year.

I made it!  Hip Hip Hooray, Today I had my 100th appointment.  Time to celebrate. Sounds rather petty but it was bugging me I had not made it to the 100 mark before the year was out but i can now go in to 2019 happy.  That’s one appointment every 2.6 days since i found the lump.  WOW that’s crazy.

Been at the poems again, he’s the latest….

THE 2.30AM WAKE UP CALL!

Again I find my self awake for goodness sake

Ungodly time in the night, pitch black with nothing in sight

I can hear two lots of snoring which is very boring, one is the dog the other the man I snog!!

The tweeting bird can still be heard although it doesn’t seem to help

Counting sheep is so mundane,3 whose idea was it so I can complain

All I want is a little sleep, is that to much of a feat, to sleep while it is dark, so in the morning I can go to the park and play around and have a lark, rather than stumble around, dragging my feet making a moaning sound. 

Sleep please come back, I wanted to hit the sack and not come back from lala land until the time planned.

Not forgetting the need to pee like an annoying buzzing bee. The sooner I go  in my head I’ll be back in bed. But it doesn’t work like that and it takes ages till I’m sat on the loo doing a…….

Back in bed, Here goes, eyes closed, fingers crossed sleep will come and the night will be done. 

Lastly my friend Becca sent me a message today saying “Enjoy sticking 2 fingers up at 2018”  and i’m Saying “Jazz hands to 2019!”

HAPPY NEW YEAR, have a great evening and see lots of you in 2019.  Can’t wait. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GLORIOUS DAY over London from Archway.

December 30th

It has been weeks since i last wrote a post.  It’s not that I haven’t written at least one it’s just i never finished it and with Christmas I have been busy.  Back to my normal self of doing 101 things and not having enough time.  As my Mum put it, “ I know she’s better as she’s getting bossy again”  Thanks Mum!  Here is the post I started on the 11th December…..

December 11th

 It’s been a pretty busy time of late and that’s not including all the Christmas fun. Last Wednesday I saw my Consultant Joanna Franks and the great news is that she  gave me the all clear.  I have to take Letrozole  for the next 5 years but I don’t need scans and so on anymore. Sadly the Letrozole is giving me yucky side effects, well if the truth be told just one, achy stiff joins.  Some mornings I wake up and can barely move. I feel like the walking dead.  Poor Nick has to listen to me grunt, groan and sigh as I manoeuvre myself out of bed.  I was told I have to give them 3 months to see if the side effects wear off before they will consider changing them. This week so far joins seem a bit better.  If the truth be told I most probably did to much at the beginning of last week that put my hole body into shock…..

As of Sunday I can officially say Palmer Towers is fully decorated for Christmas. Tree was purchased very early Sunday morning in Columbia Road.  Always a bit of an adventure, last year it snowed when we went and we were lucky to get home as the roads were like ice rinks, this time we ran out of petrol. I can’t remember the last time I ran out of petrol, most likely in the 80’s when I had my first Beetle. Back to Sunday’s story, thankfully Saint Jenny Taylor came with us and while Dolly and I stayed in the car with the tree 

She and Nick went in search of petrol.  Thank goodness it was a lack of petrol as Nick was thinking the worst….. Finally got home and can say this year is the first year we have been able to put the fairy on the top without a ladder. Hooray! 

Noah took it upon himself to say how he wanted the tree to look, so for the first time I think in my life the tree is only white lights and red, white and silver decorations. Makes me twitch a bit to look at it as there is NO pink anywhere to be seen but it does look good. Please don’t think Noah did it all, tinsel placement was his then he lay on the sofa with Dolly (their normal position) and directed Nick and I !!!!

Last night I watched on BBC iPlayer the program The Truth About the Menopause. Fascinating and informative showing advances to understanding it and medicines. What I came away from it thinking was I wanted to say my view on HRT, cancer and me. So here goes…..

At the age of 40 I began to feel the effects of the menopause, after living with them for at least a year (I watched my Mum for decades live through trying to come off HRT so was adamant I would not go on it.) I went back to my GP and started on HRT.  For 11 years I took HRT in the form of patches and LOVED it.  It was my Prozac and I know it made my life bearable.  Without it I think I would have killed someone and be divorced by now.  Even with my diagnosis this year and everything I have been through if I could have my time again I would still take HRT. I always said I would rather be happy and not suffer.  11 years of normality, no flushes, good nights sleep and happiness.  I am still here, you can’t get rid of me that easily and with the side effects of all the treatments I have had, one of which being hot flushes it’s made me realise what HRT did for me. Last night it was 2 flushes that woke me, some mopping of my brow, neck and chest and thankfully back to sleep pretty quickly. Some nights I am awake for 2 hours and loss of sleep is dreadful, equalling loss of energy during the day therefore loss of jobs done, sometimes grumpiness and fun had. Again a reminder of what for 11 years of HRT has spared me. 

What I am getting at is that even with HRT and both my cancers being oestrogen positive I would do it again. One’s state of mind is so important as is quality of life.

Back to today’s post , so what has happened since the 11th?  Arrrr yes on the 12th I went back onto the Wellington Hospital to have one of my ports removed. This was the port that they used to give me Chemo. It was close to the sink and rather sensitive to touch so it is great to have it gone.  This did mean the very attractive fashionable out fit was adorned again ….

On the 14th December we unveiled our Advent Window.  For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about I will explain.  In our neighbourhood 4 years ago we started a Living Advent Window, from the 1st to the 24th of December a different house decorated a window and it gets revealed at 6.30pm on their day.  Most houses offer mulled wine and mince pies.  In our first window I made my Cinnamon buns and now the neighbours expect them….  I have been taking part since the beginning and to be well enough to do a window this year was a real achievement for me.  Another fabulous Christmas tradition.

So the 14th was our day and back in October when I signed up to do it Nick and Noah said they would design the window this year.  Great I said, I can just consentrate on the food and drink this year.  But I did say they had to show me/ prove to me by the 1st December  they were going to pull it off.  On the first of December as Nick and I were in the car going somewhere I said to him “Would you like a 12 month extension on your window?”  “Yes” was the answer…… Thankfully I had pre warned my lovely talented mate Giles that I might be needing his help and between us over two afternoons we had a very jolly time with tissue paper, glue sticks and black paper to create (even though I say it myself) rather a stunning window.  Thank you Giles for all your help and idea.  I made the customary Cinnamon buns and melting Snowmen Cookies for the kids.

Sunday the 16th attempting to do some laundry I managed to do my back in, I won’t say what I said at the time but it was not pretty.  3 trips to the Physio and it was good enough to manage Christmas and Boxing Day.  I was in a lot of pain almost all the time and standing walking was the least painful for me.  Also Gin and Tonic and Ibuprofen helped with sleeping at night!  More grunting and groaning for Nick to have to put up with, not pretty.  On the 28th Nick and I went into the West End for a bit of a mooch.  After walking about all day a good nights sleep I woke up yesterday morning and got about of bed without thinking of my back.  It suddenly occurred to me, Bloody hell I did that without any pain. I literally Walked my back better.  I felt I needed a fanfare I was SOOOOOO happy.

Before Christmas I wanted to thank all my doctors and nurses for the amazing treatment and the kindness they have given me this year.  I am truly grateful to them all and the only way I know how to do this is to bake, so I had a lovely day making them Christmas parcels filled with the following…

The gingerbread men were decorated with the help of Hope.  I did the white icing while she got creative with the black and did the rest.  One hell of a crazy Gingerbreaad family we created. What a good sort of therapy it was.  Feeling low?  Get some gingerbread men  and ice away.

So we’ve now had Christmas drinks for the neighbours on Christmas eve, with Snow as always, Christmas Day and Boxing Day

and am now back to realality and the enormity of what i have been through this year.  I could keep giving you a diary type post of what I have done but I suddenly thought you might be thinking get on with it we don’t need to hear all your day to day shinaningins.  I would like to tell one little story as it’s quite funny now it is over….Christams Eve dinner was spent at my parents (thanks Mum xx) On our return, Dolly had taken it upon herself to open some of the presents under the tree and eat what she found, 15 Tunnucks Tea cakes and some chocolates filled with Guinness.  Needless to say she didn’t really eat for two days and looked like she ate the turkey!

 

I would like to say with the year almost at an end a massive THANK YOU to you all for reading this, supporting me and the family this year in whatever way it was, big or small – it all really, really counted and helped and for that I will be eternally grateful.  I am beginning to reflect on what the hell happened this year and I can truly say, as I said to Nick this morning, I think it is only just sinking in.  I am here, alive, clear of cancer, 2019 can’t come soon enough.  Things are afoot, things are going to change and I am really excited about that.  I am thankful I found the lump, had such amazing doctors and am feeling strong and recovering fast.  Cancer is not going to define me, it’s made me realise what is important.

Appointments – 99

Hair Growth. Coming along nicely and as for colour, very exciting.

Lastly a few Glorious day photos form around the world, well Australia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 December 2nd

 

Hot flush go away

Why do you always have to come and play? 

Waking to find you have arrived is always an unpleasant surprise. 

To go from hot, to damp to freezing cold is as wanted as a piece of mould!

When will it ever end (now that I’m on the mend) ? I had hoped it would go but oh no!

Daytime flushes are almost worst, removing layers is a curse. Then getting dressed again, is a right old pain. 

The shiny head it can be said, is not a look to undertake. It’s an unpleasant sight to see for family, friends and me. 

Sage has helped but not enough to stop me having to use my cuff to wipe a away a sweaty day. 

But as I lie here at 3.29 (am) I can hear a wee bird song that has help this little poem along. 

But all I really wanted to say was I hate you hot flush just FUCK OFF and go away. 

 

Look at me 2 posts in 2 days.  I’ve discovered writing in the Notes app on my phone in the middle of the night.  Might mean i write more as it’s always in the night i have my best thoughts.

 

December 1st

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

I’m finding it really frustrating that now all my treatments are over and I am feeling so much better in my self and have almost no appointments I do not have enough time in my day. I started writing this blog well over two weeks ago and still haven’t had a chance to post it. 

I’m back to walking the dog everyday, cooking meals and my laundry fairy seems to have moved on. I am back in my office working away which is the biggest delight for me. I love to sew, create and there is a lot of that going on. Jackets in production and photos on my Torbagz Instagram coming very soon. I know I am doing lots but somehow the days runs away and I’m left with so much I haven’t done each day and it’s getting me down. For Christmas please can I have 4 more hours in my day and a never ending bottle of gin with ample tonics to accompany it?

Now that is over onto another moan. It’s a moany day which is unlike me so you are just going to have to read on or close the screen. My Hair…. Yes it is growing and yes it grows everyday so why is everyone so surprised at this revelation? If I got a pound for every time a person mentioned this fact I would be a very wealthy woman by now. As I think I have said before yes it’s growing but I do not need reminding of it all the time. I can see it myself and I still hate the bloody fact I have no hair and look like a cancer victim. It is a daily reminder of what I have been through and I really do not need to be reminded. I am trying to move on, forget the hell I have been through and get back to normal.  I do my make up every morning as if I didn’t I would look like shit, look like death warmed up and that would attract comments to. Cancer is shit and just because treatment is over it doesn’t mean there aren’t constant reminders, my hair being the biggest and most obvious one. I know it’s growing and really do not need to be told 20 times a day.   What i am getting at is Please stop mentioning my hair.  Thank you.

On Tuesday I had the most fabulous day out to Paris with Giles, Sally and Andy. Oh what larks we had. An action packed day, coffee and croissants, lunch on a boat down the Seine. 4 courses champagne, red and white wine then a gentle amble, the metro, went to the most fabulous Klimt immersive exhibition finishing the day with a truely delicious cocktail in a Speakeasy and a light supper.  And home before midnight.  A true joy.  Thank you guys.

This was how my cocktail came.  All gin based and Sooooo yummy.

IT’S DECEMBER! If i could shout it i would. Which means twinkly lights come out, tree has to be purchased and decorated, we can start playing Christmas songs and watch Christmas movies.  Oh and not forgetting those Christmas jumpers, hats, suits and earrings!! As you might have guessed I love Christmas and the fact I am better means I/ we can really enjoy it. I just have to start planning everything. This weekends task is to get all the boxes out of the loft and start the decorating of the house.  Bring It On!  

How about this as a new Christmas outfit???  I’ve got the boobs!!!!!

13 November.

It’s been a week since my last radio and i am feeling bloody marvellous.  Today is the day that the area of skin that had the radiotheropy would be at it’s worst but if anything it seems to be getting better not worse.  The soreness, redness and rash seem to be subsiding which is a positive thing.

My energy levels at the moment seem to be getting better.  Still not getting undisturbed nights sleep ( those pesky hot flushes are still there to wake me) but i am waking with more clarity and getting out of bed is much easier.  Arrr, but is that because Hope is at Uni and Noah is Almost 17 and i don’t have to get them up, fed and out of the house these days?……Maybe but i still have to walk the hound which involves getting out of bed!

I had a glorious walk this morning in the Autumnal sunshine while still being crisp and clear.  I walked for a solid hour at a good pace which I haven’t felt like i could do until now.  Great way to clear the head.  I am now all fired up to get in my office and start making Jackets, Grannie Annie’s being the first.  She has non stop knitted me the most amazing selection of hats to keep by head warm so the least i can do for her is make a trendy animal print jacket to be on trend.

 

Soon after i got my diagnosis the question did come up about things to say and not to say to people with Cancer.  Here are my thoughts and these are my experiences but i hope to collect and collate more from others and do something with them.

Hair, it’s a very sensitive topic and until you loose it you do not understand what it is like.  Yes i know that it “suits me” this very short look but was not my chooseing to have a short haircut and it is a constant reminder that i had breast cancer and would rather not be reminded of it.  It is going to take years before it is anywhere near where i would like it to be.

Weight, as anyone who has ever had to take steroids, you put on weight as you have a constant hunger, appetite.  I knew i would put on wieght and as much i as didn’t like the idea you have to do what your body tells you while going through treatment.  Every time i was weighed before chemo i stood on the scales with my back to the screen.  I didn’t need to know at that stage what i was putting on as there was nothing i could do about it.  But now it’s all over i am back to Wieight Watchers and have my goals set.  What i am getting at here is that every time i say i have put on wieght i am told “ no you haven’t”, “ you look great for it”or “you don’t need to lose weight”. Well i have, and i do need to loose weight.  Having a wardrobe full of clothes you love and can’t fit into is very depressing and I don’t like it.  I want to get into my winter trousers, skirts and Party dresses and can’t.  Again this is another reminder that i have had cancer and really do not need reminding of it.  I have enough reminders i have to deal with daialy.

Commmunication, i would like to say sorry to anyone that contacted me and i never got back to then, whether it was not replying to a text, email or calling back when i felt better.  There is a lot going on in ones head at this time and it is a known fact you get “Chemo Brain”. Don’t give up on people going through this time, keep in touch, try contacting them again.  The chances are they have forgotten all the people they said they would call.  It’s like have pregnancy baby brain again.  Let’s hope it gets better.

 

 

If you have got to the bottom i salute you.  Thank you.  Now go check for those pesky lumps.

 

Appointment 96 this week.

Hair update..

Yes it’s grown! Xxx

I7th November.

 I didn’t expect to feel the way I did as I walked out of 81 Harley Street yesterday morning but boy I felt elated, ecstatic, excited and frigging over the moon. For the first time in 7 months I have not had anything hanging over me. There has always been the next step, phase, treatment to go. Firstly the operation, then chemo, then waiting for my hair to fall out and then radiotherapy. Now with my hair growing back and treatments over I can seriously look forward and not stay in limbo Hell.  I found myself dancing and jigging around the kitchen when Nick came home from work singing a wee song about not going back and then proceeded to make a good dent in a rather nice bottle of white wine ( Grannie Annie Lemonade!)

Sadly it’s not over though, and everyday I will continue to have a reminder of what myself, my family and my lovely friends have gone through.  Twice a day I have to continue putting the  doublebase gel on the area I had the radiotherapy ( I do both sides as I have to look after the scars on both boobies still). The skin will continue to react for a least another week although radio is over, then it will go from pink and sunburnt feeling to brown, maybe dry and most probably peel. A constant reminder for some months to come.  I have also been given Aloe Vera to put on the pink, itchy rash that is occurring to sooth it. Then there is the sage tablets and evening primrose oil I take twice a day to help with the hot flushes, the Letrosol ( anti cancer drug) I take once a day with the side effect of hot flushes!!!, and finally the prescription toothpaste the dentist told me to use last week.  After brushing my teeth I must not rinse my mouth out or eat and drink for at least an hour but preferably 2-3 afterwards.  That means I have to make sure I’m not hungry, thirsty or haven’t forgotten my pills. I might still have two minor operations BUT I have no more treatments and my hair is growing back which are two bloody good reasons to be Happy.  

To celebrate yesterday Doramy my lovely sister in law came to meet me, we did some browsing the shops, Liberty’s Christmas department in particular where she brought me a decoration to mark the day and then I managed to buy the craziest most silly pair of beautiful stunning ankle boots, with more than a little encouragement from Doramy. Watch my feet people they’ll be out and about with the festive season coming!

Normality, well my normal  can return, walking the dog in the rain and get sewing again.  Got animal print jackets to make and sell.  Torbagz is back!!

 

UPDATE SECTION:  

Appointments, 93  

Hair growth:

 

 

 

 

Sunday 4th November.

Thank bloody god that this week is over.  What a hell of a week.  Why? I hear you ask…..Well the easy and quick answer is that i had 10 appointments this week and spent my time bouncing around London going from one to the other.  By Wednesday i was in a right old grumpy mood, had a few tears and hated the world.  I think what happened was that on Wednesday i had 3 appointments, Harley Street, Crouch end then St John’s wood.  I felt like a bouncy ball just Bouncing around the place with out stopping.  Exhausting and all because of Fucking Cancer.  Nothing fun in all this bouncing around like retail therapy, seeing friends or going to an exhibition.  No just more poking, prodding, Zapping ( as Nick calls Radiotheropy) and chatting about side effects and so on.  BORING!

It is a Glorious Weekend, started by a cheeky Friday night G and T with some neighbours, a lovely Autumnal Saturday morning dog walk with Ash, having a tea at Kenwood and bumping into some of my other dog walking mates.   I can’t wait for Wednesday, Radio will be over and some sort of normality can resume.  ( I think that is what really got me down this week, Normality.  I am /was not going to let going to Harley Street every week day for radio become normality.  Normality is getting up, nagging Noah on a week day to get up and go to school (sometimes not quite put like that!!!) and heading to the Heath for a hour long walk with my trusted friend Dolly and joined by friends.  I have always called the Heath my Green Prozac.  790 acres of open green space.  790 acres of boating , duck and swimming ponds, a lake, a lido, hills, woods, a playground, running track, band stand, a couple of cafes, Kenwood house, some of the most beautiful trees and a whole host of amazing, weird and wonderful people that make up my Normal.  I love this place and it has always been part of my life.  Going back to Mum and Dad taking us there at weekends to feed the ducks, or to look at the boats on the boating pond and be over excited when one got stuck in the middle of the pond, trudging up Parliament Hill with my Brothers on snowy days to come down on a very old wooden toboggan as fast as hell, taking off when we hit a bump and landing hard in fits of giggles, Kit flying, on what felt like every windy day there was, with our Peter Powell Stunt Kites, it’s long plastic tail twisting and turning in the air as we desperately tried to keep them up.  Always enjoying it when someone’s got caught in a tree and watching them trying to retrieve it.  Cycling around the paths and of course walking just for the sake of walking.  Hampstead Heath, THANK YOU.

I knew by the time i went to bed last night i was turning a corner and was feeling more like me again.  Still getting tired easily but defiantly getting there. I had done 5 loads of laundry, Nick and are amazing cleaner Monica have taken on that job since i have been ill, tidied the laundry/basement storage room that Had become the general dumping ground with nothing being put on shelves or put away in the right place and spent many hours beginning a task that i had hoped i would do while at home all these months.  And what is this task?  Sorting through almost 30 years of photos.  Job one being putting them into year order.  I have some dating back to 1989 and maybe a few from boarding school days.  Defiantly Sam’s, Vanessa’s, Imo’s, Rob’s and Craig’s weddings.  The problem with it is i get carried away and can’t help but look at them all, send the odd one to people ( sorry Lotty) and marvel at what fun i had.  I am now at the stage where all the packets are sorted into date order but seem to have a good few hundred random photos on the floor, sofas and tresses table we set up that need finding the right packet for.  Not so much fun.  There is a slight urgency to this job now, after them being brought down from the loft in May, winter is fast approaching and with the nights getting darker and colder i want to light a fire in the room, curl up on the safe and read, listen to my LP’s or watch TV.  None of which i can do with the chaos and carnage I have created…  I think if i remember rightly starting this job about 15 years but obviously did not get very far.

So to avoid this job today i have walked the dog,  done another load of washing and baked a sprinkle cake and 2 different types of cookies ( Snickerdoodles and Ginger Crisps). Not forgetting writing this blog.  Cake is for the family and friends who might pop in and most of the cookies are to take with me on Tuesday to the lovely team who give me my Radiotheropy everyday.  Tuesday is my last one and it’s worth acknowledging and celebrating.  HIP HIP HOORAY!

Time to get. On with my afternoon…. Check your Bumps for Lumps everyone.  Until next time, Be Happy, life is too short make the bloody most of it, even if it is baking like a mad woman.

And for a new section, see below.

UPDATE SECTION.

Appointments so far: 89.

Hair growth: It’s coming back!