28th October.

Where to start…….?

My cousin Peter and his lovely family have been over from Australia for the last week or so, so a ton of time has been spent with them having lovely catch ups, dinners, tea, drinks, laughs and family time.  Last time I saw Peter and Belinda his wife was in 1996 so there was a lot of talk about.  His reason for coming, apart from see all of us lovely peeps was to bring over the ashs of his father, my uncle, my mothers brother to scatter them.  The job was done and i am not going to dwell on it.  Below are some photos of their time here.

All the family except Noah who is in Düsseldorf, but that’s for another day once he is home…….

This is where I place myself every morning  to be Zapped, as Nick puts it.  I think it looks more like a torture bed but i have got used to it and find it strangely comfortable.  Is that because all the other shit I have been put through makes it a breeze? Maybe.  I guess it could be called my friend as it’s mopping up any cancer cells that might still be still partying in me.  That party is over and it’s time to F off cancer!

With Macmillan coffee mornings, Breast Cancer Now Awareness day on the 12th October, Stand up 2 cancer last Friday and it being Breast cancer Awareness Month i was sent a photo by a friend called Lorraine that inspired me to take this one of Dolly to make the point.

Dolly says “ GET THOSE PUPPIES CHECKED!  It saved my mum. Otherwise I’m just being made to look like an idiot”

Apart from radiotherapy, a physio session, a meeting with my oncologist I’m with for the radio, this week I had to go to UCLH and have an infusion of a drug called Zometar.  Where to start…..I was called in early to the appointment as I had to get a blood test before they could do the infusion.  It took 2 hours for the result, not very nice hanging around a waiting room full of other cancer patients. It reminded me that I have been ill and is rather depressing.  I didn’t like that part as I went alone and everyone else seemed to have someone with them.  For the first time I also felt rather sad and lonely.  Please don’t worry about that bit, the infusion took no time at all once they got on with it and I skipped out of there and came home to a G and T which cheered me up.  The side effects began to kick in that night only to get worse 24 hours later.  Beginning with slight flu-like symptoms to then turn into full blown bone aches.  My whole body ached and on Thursday morning when I got up I was hunched over, could barely walk and felt like I was 100.  Lucky nothing a whole load of drugs couldn’t sort thank god.  To this day I’m still a wee bit stiff but that is also due to the lack of oestrogen I was told by the nurse with my Dr Pigott.  If I have to tie my shoe laces I’m alright going down but getting back up I feel like a giraffe when they fall over and then try and get back up again.  It is not pretty.  Thankfully I only have to have this infusion every 6 months and only 4 of them.  1 down 3 to go!!!!!  Zometar is to help my bones and prevent Osteoporosis.

Hope came home this week end to do the family thing.  It has been so nice having her around.  She had some work to do for uni and Nick and i had to be her models.  What we have to do for our children…… Just a normal week end in the Palmer House!!

This photo from my very old friend Jenna sums it up really with two more from today.

Please remember to keep checking your bumps for lumps and stay happy.  Life is short so make the most of every day.  I will be.  Thank you for all your love and support.

Until next time, big love to you all.

 

 

 

14th October

It’s been  a while I know since I last wrote a blog. All is ok it’s just been rather busy one way or another.

As i write this i am sitting on a plane at Marseille Airport on my way back from an amazing, relaxing, silly, happy, eaten my weight in bread and cheese, drunk rose wine to the point i have no blood left in my body, danced and sung to great songs and laughed till my sides hurt, not forgetting the conversations!!!  But now heading back to reality and the nest step in this shitty battle.

That’s me heading home!

Now that chemo is over the appointment activity has begun again.  Still seeing the physio regularly, seen the plastic surgeon, the consultant about my radiotherapy, had planning for my radiotherapy which entailed another CT scan, loads of measurements and two small tattoo dots on my chest area, my GP, Accupuncture appointments to help with the hot flushes and sleep and a lovely doctor who specialises in lymphodemia so I could be measured and fitted for some very unattractive compression sleeves which I have to wear before, during and after all flights from now onwards. All I can say is thank god the the compression sleeves are flesh coloured as they are not the most attractive or comfortable things.  But I’ll do anything to prevent getting lymphodema as once you get it is doesn’t go.

There have been some rough/ tough times of late.  I had a strange sensation in my throat/ oesophagus like I had swallowed  a boiled sweet and it had got stuck.  It turned out this was yet another side effect of chemo no one had mentions, a fungal infection that with some drugs went after a few days.  Only to be followed by a cough that involved unpleasant ( let’s call it “stuff”) being brought up. So antibiotic were prescribed and that finally cleared up. I went through a phase while this was all happening of being grumpy and cross. Just wanted to feel better while things kept being thrown at me. It was during this stage I saw David Floyd the plastic surgeon and was a stroppy moo, moaning away to him about the state of my boobs.  God i was in a foul mood that day!  I am lucky to be here and can hear Nick saying as much to me.

17th October

I’m back!!!   I feel so rested and dare i say it back to feeling like me again.  Sadly i know this feeling won’t last long but it’s nice to go into Radio not feeling chemo tired.

Radiotherapy has now started. As I write this i am sitting in the car waiting to go in for session number two.  Yesterday after a lot of moving me about to get me into the exact position, down to the millimetre and practicing the breathing i have to do while the radiotherapy takes place, they finally could get on with it. It took so little time to do i couldn’t believe it was over.  Saying that i have 14 more sessions which is soooo Boring.

By the end of today, i will have had my 70th appointment since this all started.  Got Physio after Radio to try and prevent my skin, scar tissue from hardening in the area where the Radio is taking place.  It would be so nice if there was just one treatment that did not have a side effect.

Onto brighter things, on the 28th September my friend Sarah and I  held a Macmillan Coffee morning which was very well attended, lots of cake were eaten, tea and coffee drank and with the generosity of everyone who came and even those who couldn’t we raised over 1100 pounds.  THANK YOU TO EVERYONE.  I was touched you all came and we raised so much for such an amazing charity.  Since my diagnoses everywhere i have been are these little booklets by Macmillan covering every type of cancer, stages, side effects, help with many topics you wouldn’t even think about, basically answering any question you might have.  I have brought many home over the months and have found them great.  Thank you Macmillan for being there for us all.

I did lie in bed last night not being able to get to sleep as I couldn’t get comfy with these, let’s just say implants, in me and just wanted it all to be over.  Yes chemo is over but bloody hell there is so much else to do.  I even have an appointment for 2020 for a treatment.  So please I don’t want to hear from anyone “It’s almost over” as it is NOT!   Enough said, moving on.  I could bang on for ages but you’ll all get bored.

Last night my good friend Sue came over with her hairdressing scissors and did what i should have done weeks ago which was to cut off the remaining hair that hadn’t fallen out.  It just stuck straight up in a ridiculous manner and when i had a flush and it got a bit wet i looked like a chicken that had just hatched.  No not attractive at all!  Now it’s all gone and i am basically all bald my emotions to my hair are good.  It was a shock when i first saw it, (and i know my Mum and most probably Dad will hate it and be sad) but this morning i felt uplifted, positive about it knowing that my hair is growing back slowly and by Christmas i should have an even covering.  Will it be brown and curly, grey, blonde ( in my dreams) but I don’t care. It will be hair!

Better go, appointment to go to. Xx

 

23rd September.

Since I last wrote I have continued to be in Chemo hell.  The tiredness continued and a sore throat persisted until today.  All very boring and miserable but mid way through today I realised that my energy levels had risen somewhat and that as I write this I have not had a sleep today.  And when I say sleep I mean a get into bed, snuggle under the covers and pass out for a good few hours.  Yippee! Maybe finally I have turned the corner and I might be able to achieve some things now.  Watch this space, i’ll Keep you informed.  Another wee plus is the hot flushes are not as bad but the down side is it might be because I have given up both caffeine and alcohol to see if it makes a difference and bloody hell it does……Bugger!  Boooooorrring!

I read something yesterday that reminded me that if I had not found the lump in my right breast the cancer growing in my left breast would have killed me.  I am not being over dramatic about it but completely and utterly honest.  Even though I knew it was there I still couldn’t really feel it.  After my double mastectomy my fabulous consultant and surgeon informed me that the cancer in the left breast was bigger than she thought and that was after 2 mammograms, CT scans, MRI scans and 2 biopsy’s.  What I am trying to get at is it is SO important to keep checking your Lumps for Bumps and go and get anything, however small you might think it is checked out.  It is as simple as TLC Touch, Look, Check.

Here is a rather bad photo of a information sheet I have that I wanted to share with you.  Please try and read it and do as it says.  Get your daughters, nieces, granddaughter, cousins, wives, girlfriends and any other female you know to check them out and talk about it.  Spread the word.  It scares the hell out of me that I might be in a very different situation now and I would hate to think of anyone else being there.  So get those babies out and cop a feel.  Otherwise you could loose them.

Till next time…….. xxxxx

 

 

18th September

As I said at the beginning of this blog, I am NOT on a journey but have realised I’m in a fight.  I’m in the ring with cancer and I AM going to win.  It’s going to be a long fight with many rounds but I am up for it and punching hard.

“Where has that come from?” I can hear some of you say.  Well, although I have had my last Chemo and celebrated the fact, I am now in Chemo Hell, feeling really shitty and wanting to moan.   As I lie in bed flushing, freezing, sleeping, groaning and feeling pretty damn sorry for myself  all I can think of is being back to normal.  Normal to me is my body being fit again, having energy, my head not feeling scrambled, walking Dolly for a good hour on the heath and having a bounce in my step.  And hair on my head!!  I am keen to do something, anything, like read a book, make a necklace, doodle, cook, tidy up, do laundry but I can’t. It’s this scrambled blurry shaky whacky feeling I have, as I have said before like having a constant hangover.  It’s really difficult to describe… when you are unable to do the normal simple things in life it’s so frustrating.  It makes you appreciate the little things in life.  (I don’t need anyone saying “it will get better”, “It’s almost over”.   “you’re doing great” and so on.  I BLOODY know that) I just want to moan.  All will be right tomorrow I’m sure.

Hope says it all here!!

 

14th September

Look Good Feel Better (lookgoodfeelbetter.co.uk) is an international charity to help cancer patients deal with the side effects of cancer treatment.  I have found all sorts of useful things from there website.  Worth checking out.

Yesterday i finally took the big step and went and got my wig cut.  It has sat on the chest of draws for over two months, mostly covered in a scarf because i couldn’t face looking at it.  When Hope and i went to buy one it was the best they had but i knew it wasn’t me.  On Monday when i went to the theatre with Giles i wanted to feel normal,  ( whatever that is ) i guess i wanted to sit in a theatre with no scarf or hat on and feel that no one is looking at me thinking      (“ cancer!) Silly little thing, i know it sounds but sometime these small things can feel HUGE.  So off i went to The Paladium in my silly big tails and yes I suddenly thought time for look 3 , it’s wig time.  We have the scarves, we have the flowers, we have the fabulous hats now in 8 colours, (orders taken) and now we have the wigs.  Yes wigs, one blonde, one pink and one pale purple.

Back to the Look Good Feel Good.  When i came out of the hairdressers yesterday with my newly cut wig on i felt great.  So yes if you look good you truely do feel better. And here is the photo to prove it.

The question to day is what look today?  Fun fun fun.

On a more boring note the Chemo hell is beginning to set in.  The taste buds are going and it’sback To even water tasting weird.  Strong flavours for the next week or so.  Chilli flakes here we come!!  The tiredness is kicking in.  I have to conserve my energy as we are off to Southampton tomorrow to take Hope to uni and i have a vet appointment for Dolly this morning and oncologist for me this afternoon.  Fingers crossed we both get good news.    But the good news is it’s over, NO MORE CHEMO, as this bottle of fizz said when it was delivered.  Thank you J.

Please make it this week end that you take 5 mins to Check your BUMPS 4 LUMPS.  It saved me, make it save you.

Have a Glorious Weekend everyone.  Xx

 

September 6th

This little fellow and his friends keep coming into the kitchen to say Hello!  They are so not scared of us or dolly,  they fly around, landing on the fridge, counter and the best place was on the canderlier, looks meant to be in my kitchen.  I think its my Granny, Uncle and my Aunt Joan coming to say Hi and check up on me.  The weird thing is the first time they apeared was last Thursday when Dolly got ill. More on that later.“`

So what’s been going on in the last week or so……?  For me the side effects of chemo are definatly accumulative and the tiredness has gone on so much longer.  Even at the beginning of this week i found myself sleeping a lot in the afternoon, that hasn’t happened before.  I have just given into it and go with what my body is telling me.  My taste buds are still not back to normal, it’s so hard to describe what or how it is but it isn’t normal.  A friend said Pineapple fresh or juice can help so i have given it a go today and by Jove i think it’s worked a bit.  My fear is for the next and final bout of Chemo all the side effects will be worse and I am not looking forward to it. It’s easy to say “it’s your last one, then it’s over” but that is so not the truth.  Once the side effects are subsiding the appointments ramp up again and radiotherapy starts, fun and games.

September 11th

So it’s been busy, cant remember what I’ve been doing but i haven’t written for a while. Oh yes just had a lightbulb moment and remembered my week …..Dolly ( the dog for those of you who do not know) was rushed, nick and i doing the rushing, to the vet hospital last Sunday night as she wasn’t to peachy.  Turned out it was a good thing we took her as she was very anaemia and i was told 3 days later at the time of taking her in it was life threatening. To cut a long story short, she has a autoimmune thingie and after blood tests, a 5 hours blood transfusion, a scan to check it wasn’t cancer, lots of hydration’s and steroids she was allowed home.  With all of that and doing jobs with Hope to get her ready to go off to Uni this weekend coming i have been knackered.  And knackered means only thing……..Sleep and lots of it.  This time round  with the tiredness lasting longer i have rested more, walked less, gained even more weight and seem to not have lost much more of the hair i have remaining.  It’s a wired old thing, just when you begin to think you have sussed what to expect you get a curve ball.  Anyway here i am sitting in my white leather reclining chair, canular in and dip dip dip going.  Mum is sitting here knitting another hat and Marc is here to keep us entertained!!  Hope and Noah were here a while, Hope being the regular taxi driver and Noah taking photos of me while Chemo in session as part of his photography A level.  Needless to say they got bored and did’t stay too long.   Just the grown ups left…….

Being my last session i have very mixed emotions.  Yes can’t quite believe I have got the this point.  3 months ago it felt like an age away but here i am.  So that is really exciting.  But i will be sad to say good bye to all the amazing staff here at the LOC.  They are all so friendly, happy, caring, great at making you feel relaxed, not worried, reassuring and absolute amazing at their job.  Thank  you to them all. And the side effects i have to not look forward to , but i will moan about those in a few days so i wont bore you with them now.

I had a lovely pre Chemo evening last night, Giles again took me out for a theatre trip.  King and I this time at the Paladium.  What a fun evening and a great way to forget what was going to happen the next day.  Thank you Giles.  I also, for the first time wore my wig out. Did a test run on Giles.  A big step, first outing ever.  It’s not perfect yet but boy, bloody hell it made me realise how much i miss having hair and that somehow it made me feel much happier and more myself. Made me realise that i need a wig  sometime to boost my moral once in a while.  Not the best selfie but gives you an idea plus a gust of wind got the fringe……..!

 

 

The last bout of chemo my tongue went, well all i can say is weird, taste buds were dulled and i wanted stronger flavours and Sugary drinks. So as i am pumped with liquids through my canular i am trying to counter act them with this sweet very cold drink of  pineapple juice from a glass full of ice, as Well as being told Pineapple Juice helps the tongue so does sucking on ice chips so i have put them together. Fingers crossed it works.  Pineapple juice for the next few weeks.  I’m counting on either gin or vodka will be fine with it…….

********************************************************************************

It’s night time now and i am sitting in bed desperate to get this out there as i know i won’t get it done tomorrow.  After Chemo was over the celebrations began and the taxi driver, the 2 remaining visitors, chemo companions, and My Dad ( who never misses a celebration, especially if champagne can be drunk) all went to the Ivy Cafe in St John’s wood for a late lunch.  It was yummy and i feel very blessed it is all over, i have a great and funny family and we had a very jolly time.

 

One last thing i want to share with you tonight and it’s not a pretty sight are my hot flushes.  They get really really bad now for at least a week and my mission was to try and get a photo of one and this is the best i could do.  I’m never great at selfies at the best of time but with no hair and a sweat on, it does not bode well, but here it is,  Spot the drops…   The joy is they get worse at night so i feel it’s going to be a long damp night!  Two weeks time and i’m going back onto all the alternative remedies to conquer this that i can find.  (Marc, i do not need your what you think are funny comments Big Bro)

Thought i would end with some nice photos like i started this post.  Here are dahlias from my Mums garden..just stunning.

 

And to finish off  some more Glorious day photos, Somewhere in New South Wales, Sardinia and a cold and frosty morning from New Zealand. And then Paris and the Picasso Museum.  I might not have been able to travel this summer but Glorious Day has.  Thank you everyone.

 

Good night all.  Don’t forget to check those bumps for pesky lumps.xxxxxxxxxx

 

August 29th.  Hope’s 19th Birthday.  Happy Birthday Hope! Xx

Before I start writing properly I just wanted to share the fab photos that have been coming in from all over the world.  We have Annie in Italy, fabulous as ever, Brenda in Melbourne Selling Daffs for Cancer wearing daffs and GB badge, hope you sold loads, Greeting from Zurich from Elsbeth and Claus and Sardinia from Ingrid.  Thank you all.  Big Love. Xx

 

So, Chemo was on the 21st and only today am I beginning to feel like I am recovering from this bout.  Yes I know it’s accumulative but it still sucks.  I have even got the pooing under control this time ( this is the last time I talk about this matter i promise) which has been a relief and I thought it would have helped but the tiredness is still there and so debilitating.  I have never slept to much and for those of you that know me i’m Not a sleeper.

My taste buds have been weird, can’t explain it really, it’s not the metallic taste people talk about but almost a dulling of them.  It makes the most normal of foods taste bland, of nothing or not normal. Water even tastes weird, how can water taste odd it?  I have found i need stronger tasting things like Thai Curries and similar.  The voracious appetite seems to have subsided thanks goodness as it’s a joke how much i can eat on those days.

 

August 30th.

Somehow the day came and went and I never got to finish this post.  So here goes I get it done today.  The Chemo also messes with my brain and as much as i wanted to write a post last week I am just not able to, the tiredness just makes me sleep and be all muddles and blurry in the head.  But the blur is going and here I am.

My hair is so thin now i really need to shave it off but bothered i am not at this point.  There is a pattern to it falling out and it seems to happen in week three after chemo then stops as chemo starts so I would think next week the final tuffs will depart my shiny head. The question Hope and I have wondered is will I have a tan line?? Only time will tell…..

I have wonderful new head wear thanks to the fabulous Knitting Grannie Annie.  That woman is a marvel, give her a pattern some wool and there is no stopping her.  I had a thought last Thursday of wearing a thin knit beanie hat in a soft thin wool or cotton, to which I could clip on one of my 8 flowers.  I Googled it, found a pattern, mailed it to Grannie Annie, ordered wool that arrived two days later and by the weekend the first prototype was delivered.  After some trying on, discussion and measuring she went away and voila the baby bamboo beanie was born.  And now it’s born i can’t stop her knitting.  Thank you Mum. Xx. As I type another hat is finished and being delivered by Taxi service Trumper.

Finally found my hat mojo and I’m happy, relaxed and comfortable.  It is a lot to get your head around loosing your hair but slowly one gets used to it and with the help of others and finding your  look it’s ok.  Watch this space, i’ll Show you each hat and flower combo as they come off the knitting needles.

One last thing for those of you who haven’t signed up to follow this blog.  If you would like an email notification each time i write a new post all you haven’t o do is go to the bottom of this page on the RHS is the word FOLLOW.  Click on it, add your email, then when you get an email from my blog in reply confirm it’s you and voila you’ll never miss a post.

Must go badges to get in the post.

Love to you all.

Keep checking your bumps for lumps, that also includes you men.

 

August 20th

That was a lovely long weekend away in Penzance, with a huge Thank You to Jos and Melz for the invitation.  

I/we are now sitting on the train, me facing forward this time, heading home ready for battle tomorrow with round 3 of Chemo.  I am prepared, relaxing and feeling good.  Such a shame to know by the week end I’ll be feeling like shit but at least  this time I know there will only be one more weekend like that.

The Photo above was, well it’s obvious, taken at Lands End.  It had to be done!  I’m not normally someone to do the Tourist photo thing but Glorious Day needed to be said.  The photo below expresses Hope’s feelings about being in a family photo!!!!

Gosh, my hair is really falling out now and the head scarf and flower is a life saver, more to stop it falling everywhere from on the floor to into my food and drink.  I’ve had quite a few nice comments from passers-by which is always a nice thing.  The one thing that is really driving me mad at the moment about the hair falling out is the constant itching sensation on my back, like when you get your hair cut.  I can be seen madly flailing my arms around trying to remove the hair from my back as if I’m surrounded by a swarm of invisible bees. Yup, looking like a nutter again!!!

Found a great shop in Penzance that not only sold fab 70’s material which I had to buy, (I always manage to find a fabric shop) but it had a big bowl of small fake fruits in it.   Yes I had to purchase some of these also to somehow incorporate them into a brooch, flower and fruit combo to wear. Carmen Maranda slash Frida Kahlo. Bring it on I say!  

Till after chemo number 3, Adios. Xx

August 15th.

Had to share this photo, for many reasons.  Last night i went to Regents Park Open Air Theatre with my very dear friend Giles to see Little Shop of Horrors.  What a bloody brillliant show, full of laughs, great dance routines, music and the most fabulous costumes.  If you want a good night out you won’t be disappointed. When Giles went to his fridge to see if he had a bottle of wine to bring along the only one in there was the one I am holding, it was meant to be, Halfway, that’s me half way through my Chemo. Hoorah! (Yes it was very tasty)  I also went out in my new head wear for the first time.  I had a lovely afternoon making up 5 flower brooches that I can clip onto my scarves, this one seemed the most appropriate for the show.  More flowers to be made in the next few days.  Need at least one for every day of the week.

August 16th, another day has past…..

So, here we are, Nick and I on a train to Penzance going backwards all the way!  Yes our seats are facing the wrong way and I don’t like it!!  So many things I could say about it but I’m not going to, well apart from it’s very weird.  Off for a few days rest and relaxation with a bit of food and booze thrown in for good measure to see our good friends Jos and Melz.  Just Hope we get some sunshine.  Going to re charge my batteries before those buggers chuck more poison in to me on Tuesday.  I can’t believe it has come around so fast.  In some ways it’s great as I’m nearer to the end but then again knowing what I am in for makes me think “Oh No!”.  This is week 3 and I am feeling much better but definitely more tired than the first round.  Hair still hanging in there literally but getting thinner by the day.  With head scarves and flowers sorted I am more relaxed about the hair thing.

I have thought of another way to describe the cycle of chemo….

You are at the top of a slide and you are looking down all energised and happy about being there ready to go, then weeeeeeee down you go, hit the bottom with a thud and sit there on your bum for a few seconds assessing the scene.  You finally push yourself up knowing you have to get to the top again.  You slowly walk round to the ladder and slowly climb up one step at a time till you begin to see the top again.  You get back up to the top all excited and full of energy to then start all over again and shoot to the bottom again……each time you hit the bottom it gets more painful  and harder to walk to the top again.  Eventually I hope to get bored of the slide and get back on that roundabout, way more fun.

When I went to my Physio appointment yesterday I met another patient there, like I normally do and of course got talking to her.  She is two years down the line and was a real inspiration.  She has the same attitude as me and was looking amazing and very positive.  I never thought when this all began in April I would be discussing tattooed nipples, let a lone with stranger but there I was discussing organic tattoos or run of the mill high street tattooing.  Who would have thought there were more than one choice.  Well there is and then she began talking about her nipple reconstruction.  Nope not there yet, don’t want to think let alone talk about that.  Toooooo much to do before I even have to think about such silliness.

Going to my appointments (up to 47 now) I have met many people.  I have a tendency to start chatting to them, (yes I know I can’t help myself) my curiosity gets the better of me and I want to know what stage they are at and as much info from them as possible.  God that makes me sound so nosy but we are all going through that same shit and in some ways it helps.  Some of these people have complained that they felt they were not told all the info at the beginning but I can understand why.  There is so so much to take in that it is much better to have it drip fed to you as you go along as and when things happen than all at once.  Why would I need to know the details of radiotherapy now or the details of nipple tats at this stage, about chemo when I am about to go into surgery, port operations and so on, let alone the removal of my 3 ports (nicknamed Heathrow, Gatwick and Stansted) until the time comes for them to go.

Glorious Day badges have arrived in Melbourne.  Photo as proof.  Thanks Peter Fairfield, the farthest so far.

 

 

 

August 8th.  Day 8 after Chemo.

Today I feel like I am beginning to come out of the fog of Chemo tiredness.  Poor Nick has had to listen to me constantly trying to describe how I feel and with not much luck really.  

The first few days aren’t to bad as you have the steroid high keeping you going but then they stop and so does the body.  The tiredness is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It’s a combination of feeling like you have a constant mild hangover where your head can’t quite focus 100%, you start something but never finish it.  Then there is the body tiredness in which doing anythigh is such an effort.  It’s like wearing lead boots while carrying a sac of potato’s on your shoulders at the same time.  You know that feeling when your phone battery is saying it’s only got 5% battery left and you need to make a call and worried it wont last the call.  That’s how it feels, I want to go do something and then all of a sudden the battery dies and i’m left motionless not being able to move. Walking the few steps to the bathroom is sometimes a nesesssity but the biggest triumph.  My shoulders are low, I’m out of breath and I’m shattered.  What the hell are these drugs doing to me?  (I can’t help but think that the heat isn’t helping and that everyone is suffering also.)   

Now here is a thing i don’t understand, I am exhausted, find lying down on my bed in a darken room the easier thing to do but i still have a ravershing appetite and want to eat everything all the time.  Oh this chemo does weird things to the body and mind.  My taste buds this time are also playing up but yes that doesn’t even stop me wanting to eat everything although things don’t taste the most delicious!!  An example of the taste thing is water tastes odd, how can that be water doesn’t taste of anything but to me at the mo it’s not right and when you have to drink 3 litres a day it’s hard.

This time around I am not going to talk about the flushes and constipation as I went into it in detail last time and feel once is quite enough for everyone.  All I will say is here we go again!  

Today I have a physio appointment, it will be my 45th appointment since I found the lump on April 13th.  These doctors keep me busy!

I might not be going on holiday this year but The Glorious Day Badge is. Sunrise over Melbourne, Flowers in Hampshire and coffe in Costa Rica. It’s travelling well.  Thank you Peter, Lotty and Wendy.

 

Remember Badges available to anyone who wants one.

Feeling the love, Toria xxxxxxx